Girl Blog

Since I'm now an object of satisfaction, I healed by accepting that I was an object of satisfaction. The pregnancy trauma was greater, and my urge intensified. Now I'm back to my first frustration. I couldn't control my urge. I wanted it forcefully and hard. I lock my legs up a lot because I'm excessively horny. I touch myself a lot, but I am not satisfied. I inserted objects, but they were still the same. At 20, I got admitted to the university, and I moved to school. I had no self-confidence, so I really talked. Being beautiful and quiet attracted more guys, and I was always avoiding them because of my past experiences. My urge continued, and being in the hostel didn't help. Seeing different naked bodies made it worse because it made me think of porn. I kept growing wild in my mind till my body couldn't contain it, so I was up for the next attractive guy that showed up. There was no point in hiding; I want to loosen it all up and still keep my cool face.

  The hate I had for myself was great. I hate to see myself in the mirror. I disgust myself because how do I explain this incidence to myself? I had myself to battle with. The hate now is not on the person who raped me. He was even the least of my problems. I was just too gullible to be raped twice in two years. I hate to see myself in the mirror. I felt ugly and stupid. All I was seeing in the mirror was a stupid girl and nothing more. I was like that for months, and I didn't want to associate with anyone. I kept my distance from everyone as much as I could.  Four months after the incident, I was on my way to church when I saw him. He packed and said he wanted to give me a ride. I told him no, that I was fine, and he said I know you don't want me to have you once more, and I want to do that as much as I can. I burst into tears immediately because it reminded me of the first idiot. I hated myself more, and I could only see myself as a subject of pleasure. The view of myself pl...

Two years after the first rape case, I have another rape case. I was processing my admission into the university, and I wanted to work by all means. So I got an offer from a chef. He owns a small fast food outlet and gets contracts to cook. So I and a colleague join him when he gets contracts and pays us per job. This day, he got a job, and he called as usual. I didn't know my colleague wasn't going to come. So I went as usual. On getting to his house, where we cook, my colleague wasn't around. I asked about her, and he said she was coming. We were inside cutting veggies for fried rice, so I was asked to go pick up some ingredients in the room because he stores some in his room and he lives with his parents.  I went to the room, bent to pick up the ingredients under his wardrobe as usual, and I was suddenly pulled. Not knowing what was going on, I saw that he was looking at me and smiling. I was on the floor, and at that point, the long-gone pain came back. I was scared and...

I had two different rape cases that I couldn't tell anyone. They were one of the most painful parts of my life. The pain of not knowing who to talk to and the pain of stigmatisation couldn't make me talk.  The first person in charge of my jamb registration said I was supposed to get a printout from him, but he said he left it home. I followed him just to get it and go home from there, and then he took advantage of me. He wasn't even sorry. The next thing he said was that you're not a virgin. I thought you were. That got me; it played in my head for days. He kept texting, saying he wants to keep having it and he enjoys taking it by force. These words made me depressed. I hated everything that was meant for men at that time. He didn't stop texting until I broke that sim. I avoided everyone at that time, and my family didn't notice because I don't really mingle with them.  A little about my family: I was that one child seen as stubborn because they thought I wa...

  My deep reflection into my past hurts deeply, and I'd like to say this: rape is more painful for a non-virgin than a virgin.  A virgin, as in this case, only feels deprived of her choice of who she wants to be with first, and it can be depressing because it makes one feel pointless for abstaining all this time. What makes it better is that you were able to open up to someone and say, "He took my virginity after saying no!" Some reactions can be annoying afterwards, but not in all cases. For a non-Virgin, it's hurtful, depressing, and devastating. When you open up, what you hear is, "At least you enjoyed it; it wasn't your first time!" My no is my no, and my yes is my yes. Either I'm a virgin or not. It is really depressing when you open up to someone, the person works up to the culprit, and the next thing he says is, "Why are you even fighting? At least she's not a virgin." That audacity is more painful than the rape. So a lot of peop...

 I gave Olaitan attitude that I didn't want him near me after the first time we had it . I have everything I want. I felt like I didn't need him until the urge suddenly started. I went back to masterbation but was not satisfied. I'm thinking about what to do because I'm not satisfied. Then I turned back to him. I acted like I had been through a lot when I gave him my attitude and he said he was fine. I didn't talk about my desires until a few days later so he wouldn't understand why I was acting normal. We talked about it and he said he knew I would want more. We set a time for the next one and it's just as painful as the first. I was still bleeding, my hymen had not completely broken and it was very painful. At that time I didn't know what it felt like to get wet before making love, it caused intense pain and my virginal hurts.  I'm not satisfied because I don't know what sexual satisfaction is for women.  I only know it's done when a m...

Ever since I was exposed to sensitive videos as a child, I've always wanted to put everything I saw into practice. I had an uncontrollable urge and  couldn't wait to get over it. These scenes keep playing in my head and they are so uncomfortable. I thought getting over it would put an end to everything that was going  on in my mind, so I started the journey. I started by reading a blog post about different ways to have sex without getting pregnant and I also read about abortion otherwise.  I can gain knowledge about almost anything by predicting my first period. When I was 12 years old, I had my first period. It's 3 months to 13 and I'm so happy because I want to end this suffering.  During this time, I was deep into masterbation and my first period lasted  38 days. My mum was very scared, but I wasn't. I just missed my period a few months later. The masturbation continued and I had my first boyfriend at age 14. He was a University student so we're not in the sa...